When there are no words.....

You will probably be reading this many days after it is written. I am writing this now to remember.....Today is January 8th, 2009. When I think it's time, I will post this message...


When I was a little girl, I was certain about one thing.... I wanted to be a Mommy. I had too many dolls to count and asked for "baby gear" every year for Christmas. I guess some people are just meant to be Moms! I always dreamt of getting married and starting a family. For this very reason, as I got older I often wondered if it would be a difficult process. Because I wanted babies so badly, would I be the woman who couldn't have them? But I had faith that if God had put this desire in my heart, it would happen one day.


On December 31st 2008, I had one of the best days of my life. Funny I would say that because I spent most of the day on planes flying back to Raleigh. But that all changed when I arrived home and took a pregnancy test that turned POSITIVE. There I was... pregnant....having a baby with my incredible husband.... my dream had come true!!! I cannot explain the excitement in our hearts and the feeling of knowing something beautiful is growing inside of you.


I had the blessing of that precious feeling for a short, but wonderful 7 days. Although the pregnancy started out healthy and normal, within a few days of finding out I was pregnant, things changed. After a couple days of worry and stress, we ended up at the doctor's office taking a blood test. My Hcg level (the pregnancy hormone that is supposed to double every 48 hours) had dropped drastically. My body had stopped producing the hormone that indicated a healthy pregnancy.


Within that 24 hours, we lost our baby at 5 weeks. This is where there are no words... no words to describe what it feels like to go from pregnant, to not pregnant within one week. There are no words that can explain how confusing, devistating and just plain horrible it is when you lose what you always wanted. For some reason God decided to take this baby back home. As small as this baby was, he or she was still a real life inside of me for 3 amazing weeks. Unfortunately I have too many friends who have experienced this very thing. It is common and it happens to a lot of women, but that never makes it an easier. So many questions run through your head. Why did we even get pregnant just to lose the baby in such a short time? I believe God was showing us the true miracle of a child and we feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to experience his miraculous works. I also have to believe that our faith will only be stronger from this experience.


Although there are no answers to the many questions we have, we walk forward stronger, and filled with faith that we will have a healthy baby someday soon. For now, we have a beautiful angel baby in Heaven and I am thrilled to know I was blessed to be that sweet baby's Mommy. There are peaks and valleys in life. The peaks are where we see the amazement of God's glory and experience just a touch of His joy. The valleys are where we have no choice but to look UP and keep traveling back up the hill.


As we walk back up that hill we know God will continue to give us strength and courage. And when we get to the top, we can only imagine how happy we will be! Thank you for all of your support and prayers. We are grateful to have so many friends and such wonderful family.


So for now, we will always remember the great joy we had celebrating our first baby!! Although we never met you, and you were so small, we will love you forever......


Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18